Friday, December 16, 2005

1st Annual BROWN CUP football awards.

Asparagus the Archdruid's 1st annual Brown Cup football awards.

Today I present my alternative top 10 European footballers of the year. What a load of balls!! you are saying to yourself right now. Well, your right. I'd be interested to hear what you have to say however. My choices are based on a bit of alternative criteria... Fat twats like Fat Frank Lampard have no place in the brown cup circle.

1. RONNIE FUNNY-MOUTH - Not much argument here. If Barca wern't so promising at the moment, he would surely be in second place. But he is the fucking master. He cant be stopped. But the one thing that CAN stop is his fucking horrendous SHAKA BRA celebration. He looks like a retarded island-dokey that is admiring the good surfing conditions. Come on Ronnie..your better than that.

2. GERRARD - Yes, that is the cup he is hoisting. He is the most complete player on the planet, he scores, plays everywhere, crunches tackles, sprays passes around like a fucking gunslinger, and plays for his hometown club. Probably will go down as the greates Liverpool captain ever... Souness meets Dalglish. Fucking legend.

3. ROONEY - The only think I like about Rooney is that he doesn't give a fuck, and he's from Liverpool (even if a Blue). He is so fucking absurdly talented, that after the world cup, he might move up a notch in the Asparagus Brown Cup world rankings. His touch and instincts are the best I have ever seen and he is about the only thing I feel United have going for them. I'd like to see him go off a bit more though, he's fun to laugh at.

4. TOTTI - Yeah, don't like it? Too list. I laugh at you and I laugh at Christain Poulson. We SPIT ON YOU. In all seriousness, have you see dude play when he is not being a twat? He does things that Ronaldinho might consider attmpting, but no one else. His skill is out of hand, and he keeps the ball in traffic better than anyone. Before you start your bitching, please just watch him a little closer and observe the technic. Maybe you'll learn something.

5. HENRY - There my man is with his hot wife at a Knicks game last year...his courtside tickets were compliment of Jay-Z. What a stallion this man is. I'm a Red, make no mistake, but T.H. is class. When he can be botherd he is the best in the world. I've been to Highburry af few times in the last few years, and was awed in his presense..I admit. He can be a bit of a pussy and jumps over alot of legs to preseve his tender ankles, but he is very very rarely off target. When he gets to Barça, he will absolutely tear new assholes. With all that time afforded him on the ball, he might score 50 goals. Lets see how it plays out.

6. ROBBEN - It pains me so to have anyone in blue on this list, so I will show the man in Orange. Robben is the best dribbler and controller of the ball while at FULL PACE that I have seen in my days. Did Maradona or Gazza run this fast at people with the ball glued to thier feet? Did they fire balls into the box with this sort of absolute precision? Get fucked, the guy is a genius. Holland are my pic for the cup...yessshh..datch wat I schay.

7. SHEVVA - Nice miss douchebag!! No, really thanks. We owe you one. Not sure if we'll get a chance to owe you that one however. Milan are so shit right now they probably wont progress past the next stage. I don't think they are as cohesive as Bayern at the moment. Back to Shevva, he'll make his comeback, he already put in 4 in a game in Istambul to help slay the dragons. On the otherhand, Asparagus could maybe put one one or two past Ferenbache.

8. ADRIANO - He will wear the Brasil #9, because little Robinho is a chump. Adriano has all the Brasil skill plus more power on the shot that, well, than my main man Didi Hamann ( I had to put his name in somewhere ) . I've never seen anyone lash at the ball like Adriano and he is on the Brown Cup list just by the pure balls he plays with. He also scored the winner in the Milan derby last week...and he has the balls to stay at Inter. Respect.

9- LEO MESSI - Yes, he looks like an 80's stoner reject. Yes, he is 18. Yes, his last name is frightfully close to mine. Mark my words, he will be European player of the year within 4 years. He just signed a basically lifelong contract with Barça and they broke thier neck to get him a permanat Spanish visa. They know he is the future world player of the fucking millenium. You just have to watch him play. Its like a video game. You can't get the ball from him, he'll go around you the long way, he'll make you look stupid and just when he obviously will score, he'll dish it off to overrated Eto'o. When he grows up a bit he'll be taking all the glory. You heard it here.

10. BASTIAN DEISLER - Yes! my man! Asparagus loves himself a propper nutter. Deisler is indeed a propper nutter. Why not Ballack at least in the 10 spot? Why?..because I dont like him. I like Deisler, and he has the total game. He goes in very hard, he scores, he passes, he covers ground, and he loses his marbles. I think he will dominate the world cup midfield, I hope England do play German and he seriously maims Fat Lampard. Then Lampard goes off, and Cole comes on, Deisler maims Cole as well. Germany go to 10 men, still beat England in penaltys...Chelsea are left with two critically injured twats, Liverpool win the 06-07 league.

There you have it.


Ok, Ok... to the music. Something epic to fit my epic and undisputable! yes updisputable list!


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